Milestones

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

~Author Unknown

Throughout my life I've collected milestones, moments in time that make me stop and recall their importance, looking back at where I've been since then, and looking forward at what's to come. Up until my mother's death most every milestone I had collected were happy ones. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Graduations, first car, first kiss. They all made an impression on me and when I looked back on them I always smiled. They are the proud, fluffy moments in my memory that make me feel like I've been part of something big, something important, watching all of these things happen to me and the people I love. What a gift!
But once you lose someone, you begin collecting an entirely different category of milestone. The kind that hurt.
First birthday, first Christmas, first grandbaby born, first anniversary of the day they left. Its not intentional. You don't look at the calendar and anticipate these days. You try to forget that they're coming, try to find a distraction for that day. Go shopping, see a movie, spend the day cleaning out a closet. Or sometimes, even with the best laid plans, you end up crying. Crying and crumbling under the weight of memories too close to the surface. I've ended a few of my "new" milestone days this way. Times when I thought I had it together, had my emotions under control. Then a song, a movie, a picture, a trigger to my heart and I'm done for. Can't promise it won't happen next time too.

The challenge now is to find room for the new, happy milestones to come. With my mental closet currently full of the heartwrenching markers of the last year, how do I move them aside to make room for the happy pieces I hope to fill it with in the years ahead? I know I'll still be adding to my "mom" file throughout my life but so many good things are happening in our lives too, I've got to have a place to keep them, close to my heart, to comfort me, to give me hope. My mom markers will always be there and I want them there. As strange as it sounds, they are a comfort too. Realizing how long its been since I held her hand or heard her voice are things I never want to forget or miss. She was the most important person to me in my world and missing her is now a part of me and who I am. So where do I put her? How do I open my heart and allow the happy in when sadness is blocking the door?

I guess I'll open the door a little at a time, letting some of the sadness out and with the happy, maybe a little gratefulness in. Grateful for the woman who made those milestones so important to me and blessed me with a love that always makes me remember. Maybe try to be thankful that I have these moments to reflect on, to cherish. Her love made all those moments special and missing her now when those days come each year should bring a sense of gratitude that I had her in my life. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so very proud to have been her daughter. Having the chance to love her and be loved by her is an unbelievable blessing. Pain is the price we pay for love. All the tears, all the suffering and confusion, all of it I've done for her. So I'll continue to hold her memory close to me but begin to collect those new milestones too. My new milestones of happy times, that I wish she was here to share.