Sunday, August 21, 2011

If there's a heaven......

If there's a heaven I hope that its all that you thought it would be. Your faith was so strong and you had no fear of going because you knew how beautiful it would be and the peace you would find there. I hope you were right.

If there's a heaven I hope that you can see that I'm okay now. I'm scarred and changed forever but I'm finally learning how to live in this new world without you. You can stop worrying now.

If there's a heaven I hope you can see how your grand babies and their babies have grown. You would be so proud of the people they are becoming and how we see your love in everything they do. I know that holding them was the one thing that could make even one of your hardest days okay.

If there's a heaven I want you to know that you are by far the most beautiful thing that I ever had in my life. When your sun is gone you realize just how dark the world is without it and you miss the warmth of its presence. I feel that since you've been gone.

If there's a heaven I want you to know that our family has changed since you left but we're okay. Relationships have changed, some of us have been drawn closer, trying to fill that hole in our hearts left by you, and others have moved farther away but we have all worked through this time the best way we know how. That's all we can do.

If there's a heaven I want you to know that Daddy is okay. He misses you, like we all do, but he gets a little stronger each day at living this new life without you. He has found love again so you don't have to worry about him being alone.

If there's a heaven I want you to know that I'm sorry that you had to see the suffering I've gone through since you've been gone. The sadness that consumed me when you died almost killed me too. I tried to be strong, momma, and I try everyday but the loss of your love and your smile makes this world an almost unbearable place sometimes. It hasn't gotten any easier. I've just gotten better at making it through the day.

If there's a heaven I want you to know just how very special you were and what a difference you made in so many lives. Your loving heart, your sweet smile, your innocence. For a woman who was so quiet and humble, you touched so many more people than you will ever know.

If there's a heaven I want you to know just how lucky I was that you decided to be my mom. The decision you made to raise me as your own was the one gift that made me who I am. I can't imagine my childhood without you and the love you gave, it surrounded me, protected me, held me up. Thank you, momma.

If there's a heaven I want you to watch over us, momma. We need an angel like you looking out for us. Couldn't do any better than you.