Letting in the light

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

Its strange how once someone is gone, even the most simple of memories can tug at your heart, bringing tears to your eyes, causing a twinge of pain in your heart. I've noticed that I remember more now, thinking of times in my childhood and as an adult that I had forgotten, about time with my mom. Conversations we had, at the time not so significant, I now hang on every word. Times we laughed together, just fun at the time, but most dear now. These memories are my photo album, pages in my history now completed. My story, as I knew it, with my mom, is over and a new version has begun. My photo album is open every day. Some days the pictures are more clear than others, more painful, but they are always there for me to flip through, all of them. My collection of moments that no one can take away and I can never get over. I'm grateful for them but they are also a bittersweet possession. I feel sorry for people who don't have these precious moments to hang onto. They are spared the pain of the memories but also of the joy these pictures give to you.

The memories of my mom are a story of her love, from the very first day she brought me home to the day I said goodbye. In between are moments of joy, sadness, anger, pride, but most of all, love. My story is filled with love. Her love created a world for me that when I was young I took for granted, assuming that everyone knew the kind of love I had. But as I got older I began to realize that her capacity for love was so much more than I could have ever known, and truly greater than anyone I had ever met. She loved from the bottom of her soul. Every part of her being would hug you and wrap you in the blanket of affection she had made just for you. She made you feel safe, secure, confident, special, needed and loved. You always felt loved. And I see now how much I depended on that love to keep me strong. I never knew how much until she was gone.

So today I open my album, pull out a few pictures and let them take me to those moments where I can still feel her hand in mine, feel her fingers stroking my hair, hear her laughing and seeing her eyes sparkle. I'll spend some time with them, feel the pain of love, and then put them away. I am finally learning how to put them away. And each day it gets a little easier to flip through the pages without getting papercuts on my heart. Maybe someday my album will be a comfort but for now it is the place I go when I can't escape her memory. It hurts my heart but it is a pain I gladly bear.