One of those days

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.   Author Unknown

Gosh, I miss my mom today. Its one of those days when I wish I could call her, hear her sweet voice, and talk about normal stuff, even for just a few minutes. What did you do today? How have you been feeling? Do you think Greg would like some beans this week? Have you been watching Survivor? All normal, uneventful conversations but so precious to me now. How I wish I could talk to her for even a moment, just to feel that comfort that her voice gave. She had the most tender voice. And you always knew that in that moment, you were the most important thing on her mind. Every word was one of love, caring or concern. She always wanted to make sure that we were okay. That was her way. How I'm missing that today.

Its funny how I can sit now and remember conversations we had, seemingly obscure at the time, but now like wonderful, heartbreaking home movies in my mind. Her expressions and the way she spoke were so genuine and those images now are the recordings of the most beautiful person I've known. On days like this, when her memory is so close to the surface, I sit and flip through my mental recordings, pausing on moments that I wish I had cherished more, and feel sorry for myself, wishing I had even one of these moments back, in real time. Longing for this can make the coping even harder, but when we lose someone that we love as much as I did my mom, I think that the pain we feel is our price for loving, so I've come to expect it. But to love and be loved by someone like her, its worth the pain I feel now and the tears streaming down my face. I was so lucky to have her as my mom.

In my life I had heard people talk of not taking a moment for granted, of making the most of each day, of living today like it was your last. But we never realize the truth of those statements until its too late. Life gets in the way and the longer we live, the more moments that slip away unnoticed. Then the day comes when the story stops and you long for what you had all along, but its over. There is no rewind, fast forward or pause on life and I hate that. I've come to accept it but I still don't like it. Not one bit.

Let everyone you love know how you feel. Do it today. And say it often. Your movie may be almost over too. Don't wait.